Are You Feeling Stuck in Life? Are Your Emotions and Thoughts Taking You to Places You Don't Want To Go?
You Can Get Unstuck by Replacing Unconscious Negative Self-Talk with the Truth.
I wondered how many times I sabotaged my own dreams by allowing negative self-talk to control me. How many times I unconsciously talked myself out of the things that I was capable to do and how many times I unconsciously talked myself into doing things that I was not supposed to do.
The definition of "unconscious" is the part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but that affects behavior and emotions.
In Freudian psychology, the unconscious cannot be directly observed with the conscious mind, but it has its own processes and deeply affects conscious thought.
We all have been hurt, some more than the others. Our history and background form our belief, some more negative than the others.
Long before psychology came around, God said in His words:
“Keep your heart with diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23
“For as he thinks in his heart, so as he.” Proverbs 23:7
With our 21st century modern technology, many scientists and researchers just found out that most people can speak at a rate of 150 to 200 words per minutes, but the mind can listen to about 500 to 600 words a minute. That’s why you can read my blog now and plan for dinner at the same time. Our minds are really an amazing creation. It would take a computer the size of a small city just to carry out the basic functions of your brain. Your brain contains over one hundred billion nerve cells. Each individual cell is connected with ten thousand other neurons. The Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). And we’re created in the image of God (Genesis 9:6).
With all that said, lately top scientists found out that our internal dialogue – the conversation we have with ourselves – is at a rate of 1500 words per minute. How? Because our mind sees in pictures, and you can see a thought in a nanosecond! Wow, that’s fast!! That’s why you can be having a positive conversation with your boss presenting some great ideas; all the while feeling stressed, uncertain, insecure, sometimes having flashbacks about past failures; and be totally unaware of your negative self-talk is playing a script in your subconscious mind.
A lot of us are operating in a negative self-talk mode at a subconscious level based on our history and background – what was told about us when we were young and what negative influence we have received in the past. We can walk into a meeting smiling, but in our subconscious minds we are telling ourselves, “I’m fat. I’m unattractive. I’m not good enough and I’m always late!”
According to a recent research done by Cleveland Clinic titled “Don’t believe everything you think”: “95 percent (of unconscious internal dialogues) are the same thoughts repeated every day. On average, 80 percent of those habitual thoughts are negative. Unfortunately, our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to negative experiences than to positive ones.”
Wow! Without us even realize that there are constant internal dialogues going on in our minds, amazingly 95 percent are the same thoughts day in and day out, and 80 percent are negative thought patterns that affect our daily decision making, how we feel, how we interpret things, how we live our life and how we interact with others. No wonder the rates of chronic depression, heart-related health issues, emotional-related diseases, mental problems, substance abuse, relational problems and even suicide just to name a few are rocket high.
What can we do to stop the effect of unconscious negative self-talk? Can knowledge on the topic help? Can positive-thinking help?
I'd like to use my personal story and my findings to answer those often-asked questions:
Here's my background: I was born and raised in a very dysfunctional household where women were devalued and treated as second-class citizens in our culture. As a young girl born in early 70s in China, I was told by my mother that she wished she had ringed my neck when I was still an infant so I would be dead. I was given a boy’s name because my parents wished that I was a boy. I was told that I was picked up from a dumpster, that I was ugly, worthless, a burden to my family and as a girl I shouldn't receive much education. After many years of verbal and physical abuse at home, later in life, somehow I decided to stay married to an abusive husband who almost killed me by suffocating me with a pillow on our third year of dysfunctional marriage. Four years later somehow I decided to move to the U.S. and marry another very abusive husband and this time I ended up with chronic depression, suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), carried many physical injuries and emotional traumas. And later had to travel and live in a few battered women shelters for a period of two years in downtown Phoenix, Arizona.
How did I keep having abuse in my life? Why was I attracted to abusive men and kept running into people who were happy to take advantage of me? No matter how many times I promised myself that I would never fall for abusive people, I kept repeating the same negative patterns in my life. Why?
In effort to get rid of my life-long unexplainable self-sabotage destructive behaviors, during my two-year shelter life, I have faithfully gone to many counselling sessions, self-development seminars, support groups, women's conferences, weekly workshops and even deliverance sessions seeking the truth to heal and set me free. I have also diligently read a wide spectrum of books with topics such as human mental development, dynamic of abuse, emotional health, negative behaviors, profiles of abusers, psychology, etc. On top of that, I also watched and listened to many teachings on DVDs, CDs and on the radio. I did my own researches. And I constantly prayed and read the Bible. Now you can see that I was desperate - desperate to get rid of my 35+ years of toxins in my system!
All of the above studies and researches helped and gave me knowledge. But knowledge doesn't have the power to heal or set me free. How many of us know that eating donuts for breakfast is bad for our health? We have the knowledge of what donuts are made of and how they can do to our waistline and our arteries. But we eat them anyway.
Only the Truth which I found out is the Word of God that has power to change and transform us - to heal and set us free forever! Because the Truth reveals godly wisdom to us and empowers us to shake the monkey off our back!
I have learned positive thinking and that helped a little but it didn’t help me get to the root cause of my destructive behaviors because my mindset was still in a wrong place. Ah! My mindset! The Bible, the words of God, told me that my life was shaped by my thoughts. My thoughts determined my feelings, and my feelings determined my actions. If I want to change my life, I’ve got to change the way I think.
Positive thinking only becomes effective when the “positives” are based on the truth, which is the revelation of the words of God. The words of God tell us that we are created in the image of God, the creator of the universe, and we’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Just lay your two hands on your head. The little size of your head carries the most sophisticated computer in the world, and it’s uniquely loaded with gifts and talents that only you have to solve the problems you’re created to solve. Now our past and hurts tell us things that contrary to the truth. And science proves that we’re hardwired to store more negative memories than positive ones, hence live our lives based on our negative experiences more than the positive ones unconsciously. The key word here is "unconsciously".
What do we do to rid the unconscious negative self-talk or thought pattern if you will?
The Word of God tells us that the only way to counter the unconscious negative self-talk is to replace it with: “Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things" (Philippians 4:8).
Next time when you’re feeling stressed, uncertain, down, emotional or crappy. Ask yourself, “What am I thinking? What is the script that is playing in the back of my mind that is contrary to the Truth?”
I used to have a script telling me that I was ugly. Remember we usually don’t realize that kind of script is playing in our subconscious minds until we see our negative behaviors.
One day I finally noticed that I had a rather time-wasting behavior that I didn’t quite understand the cause – I would spend two hours trying to “fix” my hair and another two hours putting on makeup and picking out clothes before I went out to see people, and I was always later. That had been going on for years. I asked the Holy Spirit why I would behave that way, and He revealed to me that my mindset was against the truth. I believed that I was ugly and I needed to “fix” my ugliness. That was the script being played in my subconscious mind since I was a young girl and I was completely unaware of it until I noticed my negative behaviors.
To counter that stinky thought so to change my behavior, now every time I found myself trying to “fix” my hair or spending too much time putting on makeup and picking out clothes. I would stop and spoke out to myself, “I’m the daughter of the Most High God, I’m beautiful because God says I’m, and God doesn't made garbage.” I redirected my mind to think what God says about me and all the good things that are true about me. I focused on what I wanted that was in line with God's will rather than what I tried to avoid that was already in the past.
For a while I practiced speaking out loud to myself until the truth of God sank into my heart and it became my belief. I will share with you the power of our spoken words and how our body listens to our utterance in my next blog. It’s a freedom that now I don’t have to waste four hours trying to “fix” my natural beauty every time I go out to the world. Now I not only feel confident, conduct myself in a confident way but also think confidently inside. Remember our lives are shaped by our thoughts. Our thoughts determine our feelings, and our feelings determine our actions.
The reality check: whenever you see a negative behavior, it’s always stemmed from a negative self-talk in the subconscious mind. And we have to replace the negative thought with the truth of God that empowers us to transform.
Another yucky self-talk script my subconscious mind played for many decades was, “You’re worthless! You’re picked up from a dumpster!”
It had been years that I would spend all my paychecks on designer clothing and going to high-end restaurants just to make myself feel worthy. You can imagine my finances were not healthy at all. I used to make a lot of money because I needed to prove to my parents my worthiness but then I spent all my money on clothing that I never really worn.
I did not see my behaviors were unhealthy. Then one day the truth shined light on my negative decision-making on money. I had to intentionally remind myself that I worth the life of Jesus – He died for me on the cross. The earth was created for me to live and enjoy life. And I have the right to live, express myself and contribute because I was given a set of gifts to solve problems and fulfill my destiny. It took me a while to replace that yucky self-talk with the truth of God. But God is faithful. He will empower you to rid the negative thoughts in your life when you give Him permission – when you invite Him.
Now I could care the less what brand I wear as long as it looks modest on me. It is liberation when you no longer have to prove your worth to people. There is joy and strength to live a victorious life when you know and you know who you are according to the truth – the Word of God.
Next time when you're feeling stuck, examine the thoughts in your mind. Write them down if you have to. Then ask God to reveal to you why you’re having those thoughts. Ask Him to reveal those unconscious thoughts as well. Ask Him to give you strategy to replace those ungodly thoughts with His truth. I promise you, He will in a gentle way forever heal and set you free.
I’ll talk about the renewing of mind that is crucial in replacing the negative self-talk in my future blog. Stay tuned!
I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul* prospers.
Note: Our soul consists of our mind (what we think in our head), our emotions (how we feel in our heart) and our conscience (what we know is right or wrong).
If you have any question, you can send me an email at: Yusan@IntentionalLifeCoaching.org